I had the privilege of working with a beautiful soul recently who was brought up inside a cult. She came from a background of strict religious confinement that included mental, emotional, and physical abuse. Her free-spiritedness was punished as she was strongly conditioned to become what the cult deemed ‘appropriate.’ Anything that differed from the prescribed set of beliefs was considered heresy. Her mind, body, and soul were confined within the system. She wanted so badly to run away but the terror of the consequences kept her trapped. Being obedient became her only choice.
Through subconscious reprogramming, I supported her in going from feeling helpless to reclaiming her voice and inner power. She had an unshakeable belief that was deeply programmed into her by the abusive rearing she endured up until she was a young adult, that convinced her that she was a bad person. At the core of her being, she believed that it was bad for her to have desires. Why? Because anytime she expressed her individuality within the cult, she was severely punished, shamed, and abused. Thus, her mind began protecting her by releasing the hope of being an individual at all and began convincing her that she was bad. If she was bad, she could justify being obedient in order to keep herself safe within the group dynamic. Thus, her mind compromised her identity in favor of obedience as a form of self-protection. The mind is a remarkable thing, it finds patterns and justifications to protect the body. It’s number one goal, after all, is survival.
An interesting phenomenon I’ve noticed with traumatized clients is the inability to feel. They’re able to reflect deeply and intellectualize everything that has happened to them, but they’re unable to feel the emotions themselves. They’ve learned to become numb over time to feeling and sensation in order to protect themselves. Repeated cruelty and pain results in a shutdown of the nervous system, where the body simply can’t take any more harm. It shuts down to preserve its resources. This is why clients with trauma tend to be more heady than feely. It takes time and a process of gradually chipping away at the iceberg to unlock trapped feelings and sensations, and self-compassion plays a huge role in this.
Before we can get to self-compassion however, we have to empower these clients to feel the sense of injustice done to them. Something I particularly love for this is Fuck You Therapy, a term that Marisa Peer (the founder of Rapid Transformational Therapy®) coined for a therapy intervention where a client is encouraged to feel angry in order to reclaim their power from an abuser. The thing is, clients who experience abuse develop a learned helplessness that accompanies a very low self-esteem. This is why anger can be a powerful unlocking emotion for them to wake up to the reality of the injustice and help them regain their sense of self.
Fuck You therapy is especially suitable for clients who have endured abuse because it lets them, likely for the first time in their life, step into feeling empowered. They are allowed to be angry and resentful at their abusers for harming and mistreating them. They’re allowed to curse and let them have a piece of their mind. I always say, directed anger is a powerful emotion because it helps a person regain their power and sense of control. It moves them out of helplessness and into autonomy and self-determination. Given the fact that millions of women across the globe are still controlled and manipulated into being small and robbed of having an identity, this intervention is particularly empowering for all women.
Speaking of large-scale issues, this truly is an intergenerational pattern of narcissistic abuse that I’ve seen repeatedly with many clients. For women who grow up in certain parts of the world where their freedoms are limited, the father acts as the primary vessel of abuse and the mother becomes a bystander who out of self-preservation, learns to side with the father and betrays her daughter’s trust. The father demands obedience and uses mental, emotional, and physical abuse to enforce it. A key hallmark of narcissistic abuse is a shrinking of the victim’s identity until there’s none left. The victim is not allowed to have personal preferences, beliefs, or opinions, because they are forced to follow the rigid beliefs set out for them. Sadly, this is the reality many women across the globe continue to face. They are free souls born into an environment of mental slavery that they can’t escape. The mother, who faces intermarital abuse, becomes cruel and ruthless against her daughters, often projecting the same cruel patriarchal standards onto them that she herself has endured. The saddest part is that in choosing to betray her daughter, she continues the intergenerational pattern of female suppression.
The women that I serve tend to be the black sheep, or generational cycle-breakers who finally have the courage to break free from the toxic, abusive family unit and say, “It ends with me.” They actively engage in their own healing process which comes with a lot of boundary-setting in order to preserve their peace and regain their self-esteem. As this woman heals, she creates a new lineage rooted in strength, dignity, and compassion. This woman truly is the changemaker because she not only sees the cruel outdated patterns of control, but she has the courage to want better for herself and her children.
People underestimate the amount of courage it takes to break free from the herd and to want better for oneself. It truly takes a lot of determination and self-belief, especially when a person has been conditioned to follow the rules and stay silent. My heart goes out to all the women who have suffered in silence yet still found the courage to pursue freedom. You’re not only healing your heart, you’re creating an entirely new legacy of freedom and justice.
